It’s been a tumultuous few days in Politics, but after the results of the Rohan Primary, it is clear that Thorin Oakenshield cannot defeat Smuag. Last I heard he was pissing about the Shire, singing songs and looking moody but attractive enough to give even the most resolute heterosexual gentleman second thoughts. Now the there is only one way forward: Middle Earth must pledge uncritical support to the Necromancer of Dol Guldur.
I know that the Necromancer has a mixed record. I know that the Necromancer may well have given befriended Celebrimbor, and encouraged him to him to forge the rings of power, and “end welfare as we know it.” I also know that the Necromancer’s husband may have lied to the people of Middle Earth about having sexual relations with Galadrial. I know that the Necromancer may have advocated violent military action against Lothlorien. But the Necromancer of Dol Guldur is definitely NOT Sauron. I’m pretty sure of it, at least. And I have this reasonable belief that Necromancer of Dol Guldur has broken the glass ceiling. I mean, if you squint a bit, you can’t tell that the Necromancer most certainly didn’t pledge support to abstinence only sex education during their time on the council of Elrond. Also, that hat – which is nothing like Sauron’s hat – is very pointy, so the glass ceiling doesn’t stand a chance.
Even those who still believe in Oakenshield must accept the threat posed by Smaug. He’s big; he’s got a literal mountain of gold; he’s orange, like a sort of hideous, fire-breathing racist satsuma. And we must not forgot his hatred of Hobbits. Remember what he said about them?
When The Shire sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs, in their tiny little pipes. They’re bringing crime. They’ve got horrible hairy feet. And some, I assume, are good people.
So many people have been taken in by Smaug and his weirdly sexual voice, enough to make even the most stringently heterosexual gentleman set up a Grindr account in the hope Smaug will show up on it. But we cannot allow Smaug to try and build a great big, beautiful wall around the Shire, OR make the Hobbits pay for that wall. We already have the misty mountains, for Christ’s sake…
Progressives of Middle Earth must give uncritical support from now on to the Necromancer of Dol Guldur!